I need to address the RV accident that should have killed me

a year ago today, July 19th i had what they say is a head on collision with this big red semi truck. The impact sent my RV airborne, where we landed upside down and slide until we stopped in the ditch. Somehow, i caught my dog and held her, upside down. As glass and the dark penetrated all around, i screamed, "come and get me" at the top of my lungs. I still have no clue why i did that.

what i know is that when we stopped, i let go of my dog who ran out the gaping hole in the RV, and hung upside down. My seatbelt was locked and i was essentially trapped as I smelled gasonline over the sound of the dead silence. Ripping on the seatbelt, i never got it unlocked, but somehow slid out of it, falling to what was once the roof of the RV. righting my way and getting my bearings, i crawled to the back, one sandal on as i walked over glass, metal, wood, carpet, bags, food, stuff, just everthing that was once stuff --while i called for my the person who was in the back of the RV.

Hearing her voice, i tore what was left of the RV apart to unbury here. Rolling her over, her frightened look told me to remain calm, grabbing her hand, i asked where it hurt.

my back she said

i have only seen fear like this once, from a man that i once had to defend myself against

she begged me not to leave,

why would i

i stood over her, as gasoline dripped on my back

and as thoughts of the propane tank and the potential sparks ran through my mind i calculated how long it would take to throw her out if need be as i warned people who were now coming to the RV to help to stay back ---they did

for an hour, i kept doing the math as i reassured the person that she would be could, holding her hand, keeping my muscles tensed, ready to go at the first spark knowing if the propane tanks go, there is no running.

When the sheriff showed up, other first reponders did too. It was then I was allowed to leave, and then i started to search for her things, preparing her bag, finding her wallet, phone --wondering where my dog was, as i started to wonder if i imagined holding her thinking she was thrown from the RV and that we rolled over her. Keeping my heart from breaking i focused on teh task, get her to the helicopter that was now landing and then i can find my dog.

5 hours later, a first responder asked, what vehicle were you in?

the RV i said

what the fuck -- you need to sit down

then everyone swarmed, they thought the driver was dead because no one could get back into the cab and from the outside it was destroyed.

how the fuck did you get out

wait you were the helping the other person in there

dude you have no shoes

we will find your dog

please stop running through the fields

we promise we will find your dog

will you get into the bus to get checked out

please just sit down

can you give us information on the other passenger

we just saw your dog

fuck come back

please just let us take you to the hospital

man your arm looks broken

you probably have some internal bleeding

how the hell did he survive that

no fucking clue

i thought the driver was dead

with a bag for the other person, ,my ipad and my wrestling shoes, i finally left to the hospital. but that was the accident. One moment driving on two lane highway in New Mexico, taking my eyes of the road for a second to pet my dog, to feeling the RV pull to the left and looking up to see a huge Red Semi Truck right in my face. I jerk the wheel to the right and hear a sound i still cant describe,it is metal but it is more then that ---and the only thing after is complete darkness to then the wrecakge i stepped onto. Each night i still see the semi, i still hear the sounds. `i still hear myself. `i feel my dog, holding her and her running by, i smell the gasonline, i cannot stop smelling the gasoline and then i see the look of pure fear in her eyes ------ and then hours later i see myeslf for the first time in the mirror as I undress to shower, thankful mydog is with me, safe but uncertain of everything else. All i know is that the person that was zith me is in one of three hospitals and at 6 in the morning I only have a few hours to sleep, then i have to find a way there, teh closest being 2.5 hours away and after, i have no clue --- just figure it out as i go. fuck i hope i can move when i wake up --the look of disbelief from the police to the doctors and nurses is still a little shocking --- no one can understand how i survived, a nurse who was at the accident comes in to tell me this. they ran the same tests two times because from what they can tell i have no broken bones, no internal bleeding--nothing -----what is wrong with me? am i just dead? --- i will figure it out when i wake up --just close your eyes ------------- fuck the alarm is startling.

photo of the semi truck we collided with