If it was legal to hurt them I would

there are some people where I wish it was legal to call someone into a duel, or a cage match. You strap up or strip down to just blood, guts and glory. I dont care about the rules, just that i get to make some people feel the physical brutality that I can inflect for the shit they did. Its not about being right and i know this weakens my stance in some human ranking of righteousness but its a real emotion i feel and one that does not go away just because I hide it. I admit that if given the chance, there are 9 people I would like to fight in a cage match, all at once if need be. and i hoe it isnt easy. i hope it is brutal, painful and takes time --and yes I am talking about the pain i would receive too. i am willing to acept it, even if i get hurt. that is not the result i am covering against. its the action, the chance, to inflict something, anything under my control and to see it land---even if it had no major impact, it is the opportunity that matters ----- and i want it.

and if you want to see where this part of me comes from feel free to read a part of my past notes -----

Gary Buckley Woolever asloutely broke my brain. his constant harrassment, his endless pursuit, the way he thratens qnd just shows up, or sends other people to show up. The way he alienates me by harrasing my friends so that i am alone, qnd it is there where he just does not leave me alone. --and i can do nothing to stop him. beat him to a pulp and i go to jail. ignore him i am imprisoned. the only thing that can be done is to watch him pick away at me little by little, taking, stealing, manipulating like the piece of shit scumbag he deserves to be know for but will never be.

call me now

i will get you

your silence means everything, and i will find you

call me now

call me now

i will never stop hunting you

this fucker deserves to die a horirble painful death, yet he will never have it. not by my hands. i know now the only way out of my prision is to do the thign that sends me to prison, or the thing that sets me free from his. -----

- 2020 before third suicide attempt

Me and my dog Hyphen, a day before my third suicide attempt